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Friday, September 26, 2008

I don't do sugar rush...

The other day a couple of my girls stayed after to finish their homework with a little help from their new favorite teacher when one of the girls asked me to put some music on. I threw on a little Fallout Boy and one of my girls asked, "So, are you like emo? You wear black nail polish and you like this kind of music." In the few moments that it takes me to mull over an appropriate answer for a 6th grader, one of the other girls pipes up and says, "Well there's more than one type of emo you know." There is? "Yeah you can either be like, emo slit slit (accompanied by miming cutting her wrists). Or you're just emo really depressed."

Monday, September 22, 2008

"My grandmother and my cat both died..."

At this point I'm beginning to think I could beat out Bill Cosby in the list of crazy things kids say. Last week one of my boys said he had seen "a flock of moose in the woods". After a language arts lesson on things like idioms and homophones, my students walked around for the rest of the day calling each other "oxymorons". And the capper? This afternoon while cleaning my classroom I overhead a child in the hallway saying, "Yeah? Well my grandmother AND my cat both died!"

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Two More Articles

For those of you that I now know stalk my blog, I've published two more articles on Associated Content, and as I said before I get paid per view of each article so anyone who has some spare time on their hands and doesn't mind reading uneducated drivel, follow this link and read my articles, editorials, and book reviews! Just scroll to the bottom of my profile and the pieces are listed below. Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Department of Public Retaliations

This day couldn't have gotten any longer if you added a parade, a reading from every letter Jesus ever wrote to his apostles, and an interpretive dance. I believe every one of my girls drank rocket fuel for breakfast then promptly removed all volume control, because they were nonstop today. By the time they were done harassing me I was considering changing my name and going into witness protection just to get away from them!

Then of course, the end of the day rolls around and I wind up sitting in a meeting for 45 minutes, feeling like a hula girl bobble head doll as I swivelled from left to right like I was watching a tennis match, just without all the fun grunting and sweating. I'm not actually sure what got accomplished during the meeting but I do know I made a mental To Do list including thwacking my cat for biting me last night and leaving a mark on my knee, and repainting my black nails that somehow managed to smudge even though I painted them THREE DAYS AGO.

I'm wondering what my new neighbors on the first floor must think of me. The moment I put my key in the front door I could hear Riley howling from the third floor like his furry little ass was on fire. And after the shenanigans he's been pulling that might not really be too far from the truth. Every day when I come home from work the rugs are scattered all over hell and creation, his kitty tunnel that makes crinkling noises when he rolls ON it (since he can't seem to figure out that he's meant to go IN it) is halfway down the back stairs, and there is bubble wrap and bark mulch spread out on the kitchen floor.

Anyway, after inhaling two grilled cheese sandwiches I am now sitting on my ass watching Made of Honor, wondering when the hell the housekeeping fairies are going to get here...

---end scene---

Riley + Fish Bowl = FAIL

Yeah, he drank half the dirty water in the fish bowl and is now rocketing around the house. Guess who's going to have a whopping case of the kitty shits tonight...

I Can Has Cheezburger

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

National Grid Makes Me Want to Punch Kittens

National Grid-

I am well aware that I am two months behind on my electric bill. I'm also aware that I haven't seen a fucking paycheck in as many days, therefore you also will not see a paycheck until my bank account is back in the black (no, not like AC/DC).

Now that I've shared this fact with you, do me a gigantic favor... Don't call my LANDLORD to tell them I haven't paid my electric bill in two months. Can you people not read? You HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER. So if you'd like to tell me that you plan to shut off my electricity, either send me a signing telegram, or dial me direct.

Much thanks.

PS. You people ALSO cannot spell, no matter how many times I cross my name out and write it CORRECTLY on the bills I actually get around to opening... er paying.

Pay Per View

Since I love to write and have a captive audience in the internet, I've started writing articles for Associated Content. Not only do I get to subject the rest of the world to my twisted opinions and interests, but I also get paid for it! However, I get paid per number of views so it would make me a very happy camper if you clicked on the link that is the title of this entry and read (or click on and pretend to read) the articles on my content page! Thank you in advance for subjecting yourself to the horror.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Super Pup!

A weekend in Maine is exactly what I needed. The first few weeks of work haven't exactly been a brain beating challenge, but I still felt wiped out by the time Friday rolled around. Since I'm now the proud owner of my mother's 1999 Grand Prix, a car that actually accelerates when you hit the gas as opposed to the Grand Am that has to think about it and get back to you before it kicks into gear, I decided to battle it out with a Subaru WRX on 495. I finally catch up to the WRX and look over to check out the 20 something gear head behind the wheel and I realize... the guy has to be at least 65!

Anyway, I caught up with my parents in York and we walked around the town for a little while and I snapped this photo of a cute little chihuahua sitting with his owner. Then I went back to the hotel and messed around with it until I got... SUPER PUP!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Watur Is Fine!

So here's a quick insider's view of what my life is like now that I have Riley.This afternoon I broke a nail so I decided to cut them all down. For some reason Riley found the process incredibly fascinating and joined me in hunkering over the toilet while I cut my nails. So glad he's willing to pose for the camera!

Today he was very unhappy when I came home and had the nerve to break his routine. Usually he goes downstairs with me to get the mail and I hadn't realized that he now expects this as a part of his day. Today I decided to go in the front door and get the mail on my way, and when I got to the top of the stairs, Riley came out looking rather confused. I went into the kitchen, he continued to sit at the top of the stairs staring at me. When I headed towards my bedroom, Riley started down the stairs. He got all the way to the bottom and turned around like, "Hey lady. Mail?" Can I just say how horrible I felt that I had gotten the mail without him?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Cake or Death?

Last night I had a total PMS moment and decided that I needed chocolate...STAT. Of course, now that I can almost fit into a size 8, I have absolutely no unhealthy snacks in my house. Except for...drum roll please...BROWNIE MIX! So after inhaling an omelette for dinner (complete with diced ham and chunks of kielbasa masquerading as sausage) I fired up the oven and set about baking my brownies. The whole time I was "blending the ingredients in a mixing bowl" I kept thinking, If only I had Hershey Kisses to bake into the brownies. Unfortunately, I couldn't even go out to the store and buy kisses because I'm totally flat broke! But the wheels in my head kept turning as I "generously greased an 8X8 pan". Then it hit me. FROSTING! Then something else hit me. SPRINKLES! Then yet another something hit me. A can of soup that I pulled down on my head while reaching for the frosting!

Monday, September 8, 2008

It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Glass in Their Crotch

I have a complaint for the makers of the fabulous toilet wand, which has made my life substantially easier in every way... until last night that is. Since Riley really seems to enjoy doing the breast stroke in the toilet, I figured I'd clean it. Who wants a soggy cat with questionable stains on his fur, I mean really. So I'm scrubbing away with my handy dandy toilet wand because I, unlike Riley, despise having to submerge my hand in cold, dirty water in order to clean the bowl, and suddenly the scrubber head pops off and sails right down the toilet just as I'm flushing away the bleach! For all you engineering majors out there, can you tell me what happens when a large spongey thing attached to a plastic disc that is twice the circumference of the hole, decides to make a break for the river? That's right! IT GETS STUCK!

My mother's all too helpful suggestion was to take apart a metal coathanger and try to drag the sponge back out. So here I am on hands and knees, jamming a coathanger into my toilet when Riley decides NOW would be a fantastic time to play in the water. He starts trying to attack the coathanger and in the meantime winds up soaking me with toilet water, and of course the sponge is STILL stuck. I throw the hanger down on the bathroom floor in exasperation and watch as Riley pounces on it just to make sure it's dead, and I realize I have only one option. Sticking my arm in the cold, dirty water to fish out the sponge that is currently making my life damned near impossible. Oh, and did I mention I REALLY REALLY have to pee at this moment?

I don a yellow rubber glove and try sticking my hand into the drain hole to see how far the sponge has gone. But of course, since I had flushed the toilet unsuccessfully the bowl is almost completely full so when I stick my hand in, the cold, dirty water floods into the top of the glove, thus negating the purpose of said glove. I try not to gag as I reach in and finally feel the plastic nib of the sponge. I yank it out with a triumphant, "HA!"... which of course was a bad idea because HEY GUESS WHAT sponges retain water! Imagine that! So yeah, had to wash my face after that....

Sunday, September 7, 2008

She's Dibbling a Couple of Kids Across the Hall....

Week two of the job successfully completed! The crowning achievement was receiving a paycheck after two months of living off of frosting and Ramen noodles. Of course, after paying rent and all the bills that have been piling up, I have a whopping $66.60 left in my checking account. Obviously, in fulfillment of the prophecy that the world will soon burst into flames. Anyway, the kids are great, being that they're actually normal. They all work hard but still like to goof around which makes the day go by so much faster, even when I find myself reteaching a concept. I can suddenly see 5 or 6 years flying by at this place.

Other than that, life is pretty slow lately. I have a new cat named Riley who is as dumb as a bag of rocks but has definitely livened up my apartment. For some reason he has a fascination with water and I frequently find him perched in the kitchen sink or sticking his head in the shower. It's cute and all, but he's developed this bad habit of going for a swim in the toilet. I don't think he ends up in there on purpose. I'm fairly certain he hops up there, intending to simply drink out of it, but he's such a chubber that his fat causes excess momentum and he takes a header into the can. And it's funny. Until he crawls into my lap and I realize he's soggy. He also likes to crawl between the comforter and the blankets on my bed and tunnel his way around. He's an odd creature but I never get the normal animals. Brain damage seems to come as a package deal with my pets. But at least he fits in...