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Sunday, May 31, 2009

Big Lots is Dangerous

"I just fell off the handicapped toilet..." ~Kate

"If it had a stick I'd ride it..." ~Beth

"I'm obviously talking to myself here. How are you Mr. Lettuce?" ~Mom

"I just drooled on myself." ~Kate

"Notice how no one's surprised by that." ~Beth

"Would you just bite the big one Anderson?" ~Mom

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Silver Lining

I've now missed five days of work in a row. I got sick sometime last week and just finally dragged myself to the doctor yesterday where I was told I have a sinus infection, a virus of some sort, and possibly appendicitis. This would be another reason I can't wait to move out of this white trash cow town hell. People out here are idiots.

When I first moved out here my mother called to see how I liked it. She asked the usual rapid-fire questions that my mother is known for- "Are there any restaurants? Is it safe? Are there any cute guys?"

"Mom. There's a giant f*%king horse in the middle of town."

Pause. "Excuse me what?"

"There's a giant f*%king horse. That's their claim to fame. It's a f*%king tourist attraction for Christ's sake!"

Pause. "....What the f*%k?"

And people wonder where I get it from. It's true though. There's an enormous, anatomically correct rocking horse in the middle of the town because it used to be the largest producer of small plastic toys back in the day, especially little plastic rocking horses. Know what else? They reenact the Civil War every year. AND NO ONE KNOWS WHO WINS!

Everyone always says that you should have a passport in order to go from Boston to Springfield. But what about this hideous no man's land in between? If I had known what a cultural void I was stepping into, I would have slit my wrists somewhere between Route 202 and the middle of f*%king nowhere.

Needless to say I'm pretty happy that I'm going to be moving home. I miss the few really good friends I had made before I left and I definitely miss my parents. It's funny because when I moved out, I couldn't wait to get away. Now I'm almost 30 and I can't wait to get back. I guess it just goes to show how the bond with your parents changes with age. That and I don't trust my father not to fall out of a tree or saw off his own fingers. Again.

When I had my interview a couple of weeks ago I got to the school really early and sat on the steps to read. It's a typical downtown Springfield, neighborhood school and I couldn't help but pretend I was Carrie Bradshaw in my head for a minute. I missed my city. She may have had NYC but I've always had Springfield. I was born there, I grew up spending weekends at my grandmother's house in Forest Park. I learned to ice skate at a rink in Springfield which would lead to almost 20 years of dedication to the sport. This is my city and I belong in my city.

So yes Matt, when one door closes, another one opens. Or sometimes it's a window and you just have to take a chance and fly. It took me three years of living out here in the back woods of Massachusetts to realize I needed to fly but now I'm headed home. Finally!