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Friday, August 20, 2010

Setting Fire to the Lawn

Duffy: So what are you doing right now?

Me: Sitting on my ass. As usual.

Duffy: Cool. So yeah, I totally dialed the wrong number. Who is this again?

Why am I sitting on my ass doing nothing? Because I'm finally on vacation. A permanent vacation from my retail job. Yes folks, you read that right. I quit my job. Or rather, I went in today to quit and the manager was off so I actually have to quit tomorrow but still...NO MORE RETAIL!

What am I doing instead you ask? Well first off, I'm tutoring recently released prisoners who need to get their GED. That in and of itself has been a twice weekly comedic adventure entitled, "Skinny White Chick Goes to Jail". The first night I volunteered I asked if I could just sit and observe. The woman who actually runs the class teaches preschool by day. Not sure what made her think the transition from drooling babies to ex cons would be a seamless one, but here we are anyway. So I sat and took notes as I watched the students interact with the teacher and with each other. My notetaking quickly degenerated into me mapping out the odds that the guy in front of me with "F*$K BITCHES" tattooed on his left arm, and "GET MONEY" tattooed on the right would be back in jail within the next 48 hours. While no one else was really willing to place a wager, I still won on principle because said tattooed individual has yet to show up to another class.

Once they all got used to having me there, a few of the ex cons started asking me for help with their work. By the end of the second session the guys started talking about their time in jail, what they were in for, which corrections officers they couldn't stand. One wiseass decides that it's acceptable to drop the "N" word in front of me. Of course I immediately tell him to watch his dirty little punk mouth. He did the typical tooth sucking thing that all ghetto punks do when they want to convey that they are first cooler than you are and second that you should be afraid of them. All I can think in my head is, Dude, I'm so not afraid of you. You're obviously not exactly the smartest tool in the shed because you're here, wearing an electronic bracelet because HELLO YOU GOT CAUGHT! I can run away, get in my car, and drive home. You can't even take a piss without someone knowing where you are. The teacher finally notices that there's a little bit of a hubub going down at the table and she asks what the issue is.

Me: Oh, there's just a little bit of disrespect coming from the other end of the table here.

Punk Kid (under his breath): Yeah well you don't better not tell nobody who. (teeth sucking sound)

Wait...what? Was that even in English?

Anyway, other than that....the bigger news is that I accepted a position teaching English at a Catholic School that is literally ten minutes from my house. If it wasn't for the giant hill I'd have to climb I'd totally ride a bike to work everyday. Unfortunately for the life of my car, I'm WAY too lazy to walk to and from work everyday. I already set up my desk and hung a few abandoned building photos behind my chair so that I feel at home. I also got an awesome round cork board with a funky design and replaced the sliding doors on my book cabinets with some trippy shower curtains. I have my class record book all filled in with every class I'll be teaching and I bought a beautiful hardcover journal that I plan to fill with teacher related insight. Or inappropriate doodles of me eating crayons. Either way it'll be a nice record of my first year of educational sanity.

Ok everyone. Cross your fingers and wish me luck. I finally settled my lawsuit against the Charter School from Hell and so far life is falling into place. I'm knocking on wood right now to make sure I didn't jinx myself so I need all your prayers (if you believe), thoughts (if you don't believe), and support (if you're incapable of both prayer and thought). Let's see if I can stay in one place long enough to get my ergonomic desk chair into just the right position!


  1. The still make ergonomic desk chairs? I'll wish you luck, say a prayer, and send you uber good vibes.

    When you have a rough day, just remember to look at the flowers. :)

  2. I'm sorry but I'm a little pissed that I haven't been able to read the twice weekly comedic adventure entitled, "Skinny White Chick Goes to Jail" but whatever.

    Also: YAY you!! You have my, um... support, if I'm following the rules correctly. :)

  3. Agreed- please continue posting Skinny White Chick Goes To Jail!

    Good luck! :) I'm excited that you've found something!